Hopecasting

Its been a while

2010-07-19T19:50:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I have taken the time to actually sit down and blog...well a long while.

Since the last time I blogged so much has happened.

I had a kiddo...yay...he's alot like us both...I like to call him muppet because he acts like a 20 year old and has such distinct features...all wrapped up in a 2 1/2 month old body

See...that's his "doh" look. He only does that when he really thinks dad is crazy.

But he's not the subject this time...my friends are...

They are the subject of my blog return....

Who are they...?

They met at a group we are involved with. Believe me, it was an unlikely meeting. They met...they fell in love...they got hitched and now...and now, they are on a path....together.

That's the part that's so cool.

I watched them this week standing tall. I watched them lifting the other up...

I watched them maybe for one of the first times in their lives...completely not alone.

You see they had to talk in front of people...they had to throw some opinions that were controversial....wait...they didn't have to...

THEY GOT TO.

They both were smiling...though the audience was probably going "what did they just say"....."can they say THAT here?"...yep they rocked...and the listeners were rocked ...the couple was truly one...Mr. And Mrs Smith one ...yep people were...listening...some i'm sure were shocked..and some more than others...but there was this guy...just this one guy...oh yes ...except for that one guy....

That one guy....

He was on the back row....yellow shirt...normal tie....he was listening...intently

He was fidgeting...uneasy...no...not uneasy...he wanted to say something so bad that he almost couldn't keep it in ...I bet ...98% sure....he wanted to say....."yes"..."YES"....

How do I know that..well it might have been his smile....way big smile...bright eyed smile...

So the scene...a couple acting as one...risking it all because they have each other....let's call them "the cause".

Then the yellow shirt guy...I had to keep looking back....I couldn't help myself...

I am going to give yellow guy a name too...."effect"

Bottom line...

Thank you "cause"....you guys did awesome....you guys demonstrated love...hope..faith...and marriage perfectly.

And as for you mr.....

Mr....Well...

Effect...I hope we meet again.

One way or another...I bet we do....

Location:From my home

Lincoln

2010-01-21T09:35:00.000-07:00

Yep...I felt him move for the first time last night.

:)

Impact Day

2009-12-22T06:45:00.000-07:00

Today is an impact day in my life...

It is Dec 22, 2009 and today I am going to have lunch with my mom at 12:00pm...meet Gretch for an ultrasound at 3:00 pm...and then shop for our baby boy or girl at 4:00pm.

Yep This the day we find out if we are having a boy or a girl.

People keep asking me what do I want...I keep responding "a baby".

They ask me what I think it is...I think "a baby".

Here's my thoughts...

I don't get to choose what sex it is.....I do get to choose how I react to what sex it is.

So...it's 6:48 am when I am writing this...by 4:00pm I will know.....

So my soon-to-come dear boy or girl (currently "a baby")....I want you to know that whether I am buying pink clothes or blue clothes today doesn't matter to me...

What does matter is I have the distinct pleasure of getting to buy you clothes.

I get the distinct pleasure of getting to dream more vividly about you and your life to come.

I get the distinct pleasure of knowing that what is to be....is being dictated word for word.... by the author of the universe, and I have no say...no power...no decision...except one....

Yep today I get to unwrap this part of the gift he is giving me... on this day...this special day....this day of impact.

I have made my decision...boy or girl...get ready kiddo....for I have decided to make your life awesome fun!

Tonight 20 Years Ago

2009-11-09T12:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight 20 years ago I could not Blog about this
Tonight 20 years ago I was 19 years old
Tonight 20 years ago I was at the U of U
Tonight 20 years ago I was watching my TV in AWE
Tonight 20 years ago I went to bed...not as worried about Nuclear War
Tonight 20 years ago I went to bed on a twin bed at my mom's house
Tonight 20 years ago I was standing with the German people
Tonight 20 years ago I was crying at the thought of unity
Tonight 20 years ago I was spurred on by the courage of a people
Tonight 20 years ago I watched a power tool used so eloquently
Tonight 20 years ago I had the words "tear down this wall" reverberating in my head
Tonight 20 years ago I had not met Gretchen
Tonight 20 years ago I went to bed
Tomorrow 20 years ago I woke up to a brand new world...more courageous...more empowered...less afraid...
My old maps...my old school books...they were now WAY out of date and ((hopefully)) useless forever!

Amazing Pace

2009-09-15T07:30:00.000-06:00

Amazing Pace...Amazing Grace

It's been quite a couple of weeks.

Utenited started up, and people and friends lives blew up.

Marriages and break-ups mixed

It's been crazy the pace we have been running.

We are both a bit tired, but in the midst of it all...

Well let's just say amazing grace

We celebrate today a milestone

Not an anniversary, not some made up day, nope

A real milestone

Today is day three of this party wrapped in the blanket of amazing grace

I have to go to work, so does my wife, we have so many things to do, and so little time to get them all done.

Yet let the winds blow, let the sky's open up and pour, let the lightning flash

For tonight we come home late...but we come home to a place of peace, and we lavish in God's grace...and then we gather ourselves once again, for tomorrow the sun will rise.

"In" love

2009-05-21T15:51:00.000-06:00

Have you ever thought about the question what it means to be "in" love?

I was sitting here thinking about the question just a few minutes ago and came up with a thought.

First off, I love many people, but I am not in love with many of them.

Here's what I think it means...

When your in love you're contained by it....no matter where you look (even in the darkest corner you can find) you're still there, you're still contained, you're still in love.

In love means there is no escape hatch (it was sealed years ago). There is no escape. No matter how bad it gets, no matter how close you look, no matter what your feeling in the moment, no matter what...it just doesn't matter...

You are "IN" love.

note: just because you're in love it does not mean there are times you shouldn't get out of the situation...like if your being abused or being beaten etc..., but even then...the feelings are hard to escape.

Just thinking

OK...back to my nap...

Facebook, Van Wilder and Air Supply the domino effect

2009-03-01T19:32:00.000-07:00

Tonight I looked at my life closely. You see so often I forget one of the most important aspects of life...chill out you weenie...it's about others....forget the dumb rules out there...and have a bit of fun while you're at it.

I started on this path about a month ago on facebook...."oh my facebook how I love thee"...

I started posting some old photos...but in so doing I remembered so much about what I have learned.

Then I spent some time with a friend today on his 38th...

But the big one happened just moments ago....Van Wilder..it pulled it all together

Yep...one of the dumbest movies of all time...a movie about a party'er who really knows how to love.

It hit me during the movie while they were playing air supply....

Why air supply...because ...well....they wrote sweet nice songs...and I like nice sweet songs...a-lot

and it just hit me ...
the final domino....
I remembered...

but what you may ask....what had I began to forget again...?

It's fun...and not so serious

Life that is...it's fun...it contains love...it holds love...people want to play...you just have to knock .

I know there are tough moments...don't get me wrong...

but for me..

4 me..

I am going to keep the rules that help others...forget the rules that protect me....have fun with people...be fun to people...be excited about the possibilities..accept the outcomes...aim further ahead...and knock on those doors more often...your door...

pssst I know where you live...

I coming a knock'n...and I'm singing

Oh yes singing real loud

"That was the heartbreak...but now that I found you...even the nights are better now that we're here together"

My Love For Coffee

2009-02-01T10:22:00.000-07:00

MMMMMMMMM...coffee

MMMMMMMMM...

Why do I love it so much...is it the taste..nope..
Is it the Aroma...well I like it a-lot
Is it the warmth....on a cold day that rules

But why such a love affair.

My earliest memories are about coffee

My grandparents were extremely well off. They had lived quite a life. At one point my granddad was ranked 7th in the nation for early NASCAR. At one point they built a stadium. They were quite a pair. But boy were they about proper behavior.

Meals were to be at an exact time (not a minute early or late). They were kinda uptight about some things...but always had a joke to share.

But coffee...where does that come into play?

Well...

They lived in Florida, and every morning without fail they would go on their back porch and talk. They would sit around that round glass table and just talk about life and the day to come.

I was little...

I was probably 3-4 years old...

I was up early....

They were always up early...with the sunrise.

I would go on the back porch with them.

They would sit me down and make me a cup of coffee. It had a lot of milk and sugar...

They would let me join in the talks..

I loved that...I loved them....

I love coffee...it's a reminder of them....

It reminds me to step back...slow down..discuss truly important things.... and connect deeply...

I still put a ton of sugar in it...I still prefer it with milk....I still remember the smells of their backyard...

I love coffee....

Cheers Grandma and Grandpa....cheers!

The Death Star

2009-01-31T09:15:00.000-07:00

Ok,

Do you ever have one of those nights when you dream something and you're like..."that is so brilliant"...

But it's only in your dream.

Then you wake up and think REAL hard trying to remember how smart you were...asleep...at 2:00am....

and when you finally remember ...it's like..."I am such a weenie!"

Yep, that was me last night....

So here it is...

"When talking with others you should never be the Death Star (Star Wars reference)....blowing them up with your ...super duper death laser"

"Instead you should be a Guest Star....letting them take the spotlight and you acting as a person that helps them look even cooler"

Oh...MY......I am still laughing at how stupid this is now that I'm awake....

I am so thankful for blogging...because that could have ended up in a lecture I was giving...

Phew

(((little smirk on my face as I log off with)))

You a Death Star or Guest Star?

2009-01-29T10:22:00.002-07:00

Bonjour...

It's been a while...

Hello...

I miss you blog...

and I love you.

Hello....again....hello (Neil Diamond)

A Mantis..2 Kids...20 Seconds..a laugh with a friend...a lifetime of lessons

2008-09-27T21:56:00.000-06:00

I never cease to be amazed at how much can be learned from just a few seconds of life. It happens all the time in my life. If I would just stop and think about things a little bit deeper...a little bit richer...then I think my life would be greatly enhanced.

So what happened...

Here's the story...

One of my life friends (she and I have been friends for far over half of my lifetime) were outside catching up while her child and another boy played nearby. Her littlest boy comes running up soooo excited. He holds in his hands a praying mantis. He hands it to his mother and like the trooper she is...she plays with it for a brief few seconds. She hands it back to him and.....

Well this is where it begins...the lessons that is...and where so many of my predispositions are contravened!

In succession the events went like this...

I say "you should go play with it"

He says "it's not a toy"

We laugh

The mantis decides to take a tour of his little body (starting at the shirt...then a bee line to his neck..and onto his back)

He freaks out and starts screaming

Mom valiantly swats the mantis to the ground

The other boy comes running from no-where and steps on the mantis

The original boy picks up the (now flattened) mantis

We are laughing so hard

The boy runs to play with his now squished bug

PHEW...

This took all of about 20 seconds to happen....

Now this was a few days ago and I am still trying to get into my head all of the things that I learned in that moment.

So for your perusing pleasure I now present..a glimpse inside my mind-scape

In the order of arrival.

I truly wanted his happiness when I said you should go play with it...but look at how far my mental schema was off. The boy recognized that his happiness was secondary to the life of the bug...so

Life is not a toy...man is he correct or what? How often do we look at life from the position of what is best for ourselves. How often have I sat there and wondered what pleasure a relationship was going to bring me today...instead of what pleasure could I bring to others? Life is not a toy...no it is a gift and needs to be cherished

Oh how I love those moments with my friend. These are the things that will reverberate in my mind forever. The instances of shared experiences that will engulf my final moments on Earth. I have a few deep friendships which I have no idea how I (with my many faults) have managed to remain a participant in all of these years. But these moments of laughter...holy crap...thats great stuff. We knew we would have material for the next few years to add to the "reminiscence"

Life is a variable. Who knew mantis was wanting to explore. Sometimes right when you think you know what coming next..someone checks out of the situation and goes for a walk about. Mantis knew she was just vacationing but...

The boy didn't. The point here is this variability freaks us out. We can't handle it. Now our "maturity" teaches us to stuff it deep down in our emotional soul so that others just get the "news". But I have seen it over and over (especially with affairs) how this variability of relationship causes us to "freak out". This little mantis's reaction has a plethora of anthropomorphic implications that ...well my mind would hurt if I told you all of the ones that are going through it right now...think about it without me tainting your mind...(it's way more fun that way).

I loved this part...a valiant soldier ready to protect those in need. I love that about her..I love that about you..I love it when I get the chance to do it for others..Just cool.

Now here's the comic part...another valiant soldier...but way on the outside of the "conversation". The issue was already taken care of ...the mantis was ok..the boy was ok...I was ok...the mom was ok..the "conversation" was over and it was fine. But the busy body with great intentions...just wasn't part of the dialogue. He jumped in when all was OK and stirred it back up by squishing the poor mantis. I have done this. Things were fine...the issue was taken care of...and then I come along with my "wee bit-o-undertanding" and make a mess of it. This happens with friends and parents who we divulge problems to...only because we are too weak to go to the one who has offended us. Once we get to that person and make things OK..we forget..our valiant friends and family have had no closure..they are still ticked...and well...might just squish a heart.

Awwww...

Awwwwwwww...part 2...

Sometimes it's just hard to give up the love and say goodbye. I've learned this one way too many times in my young life.

20 seconds...life shifted....hope given...lessons learned....lessons remembered....20 seconds...and one squished mantis later...poor little mantis...cute little guy.

And the sky's were silent

2008-09-11T21:12:00.000-06:00

I remember what my Mom said about when I was born in 1969...that I had chicken hair that had to be cut before I left the hospital
I remember 1976 at 6 years old going into the giant freezer at my dad's work and getting an ice cream
I remember that same year getting one of those cool new quarters
I remember that same year sitting for hours in our van as we waited in lines to get gas
I remember Jimmy Carter
I remember 1979 when Ronald Reagan was elected..I was scared to death...he was going to destroy our country
I remember 1980 when Ronald Reagan took the oath of office and as I ate my Wendy's cinnamon bun...they released the American Hostages
I remember being amazed and for the first time taking a look at a strong America
I remember 1983 when I went to high school ...I was 13
I remember 1984 performing around the country..singer...dancer..clogger...Pentagon...Worlds Fair...Disneyland
I remember 1985 when I moved to Virginia and grew almost 6 inches in height
I remember 1986 when Amy sat me down and told me I needed to change my "style" a "surfer boy" was born
I remember 1987 when I graduated from high school and was headed to college with a $400 scholarship in Opera
I remember 1987 when when they raised my scholarship to (4) yr full tuition
I remember 1988 when I became a Christian
I remember 1988 when I resigned from my scholarship..not very interested in being hit on by my professor
I remember 1989 when I decided to go into exercise science
I remember 1989 when the Berlin wall fell
I remember 1989 when every morning I awoke to a new world map..freedom was on the rise
I remember 1989 when for the first time as an adult...I didn't feel like I had to worry about a nuclear holocaust
I remember 1990 when a professor asked me to really think it through for the first time
I remember 1991 when I ran for student body vice president...my famous quote "this machine is rusting from the inside"..I lost
I remember 1992 when the other students asked me to take that professor in front of the board to get her fired..and I refused
I remember standing up for her
I remember 1992 when I was offered a career as a wellness specialist for Northwest Pipeline before I graduated from college
I remember 1993 when I graduated from college..the first of my siblings
I remember 1994 when I was appointed by the Governor of Utah to be the chairman of the Governors Council of Health
I remember 1995 when I appeared on TV, at elementary schools across Utah, and other venues
I remember 1996 when I got married
I remember 1996 when we sped home fast ending our honeymoon to film a children's video series
I remember 1997 when I began my security career
I remember 1999 when I thought the world was coming to an end
I remember 2000 midnight when I realized --for sure-- it wasn't
I remember 2001 waking up on any given day and turning on the TV
They were playing a repeat of something
There was smoke
I woke Gretchen
There were two buildings
They were on fire
Planes hit them
I called into work
I told them we were not coming in
The TV switched to the Pentagon
It was smoking too
The first tower fell
The second tower fell
A plane went down in Pennsylvania
I could not turn off the TV
We sat for hours..we watched all day...we barely spoke....we barely moved...we called our loved ones...we watched...stunned
I was angry
I was confused
I was waiting for the next piece of bad news
I remember 2001 when on Sept 11, they attacked us...US
I remember 2001 Sept 11, when I skipped work for the first time in my life because it was dangerous to go out
I remember 2001 Sept 11,when I cried..for our Country...for my American family...for Freedom

The next day came
The Sun rose

I remember 2001 Sept 12, for one main reason
It was the first time in my life...the sky's were silent
Not a plane to be seen
No contrails
No engine sounds
I looked up that day and saw nothing but clouds and sky
I had never seen anything like it
I had seen a-lot...I had done a-lot...I had been a-lot
But never anything like this
The sky's were silent for the first time in my life..I had no reference point
I chose my path that day
I chose my direction that day
I made up my mind
Politics were real...I would pay attention
Freedom was real....I would pay attention
My fellow man was real...I would pay attention
I was not an island...America was not safe...
I would care more...love more...fight more...and stand up straight...tall...and true for the concept of freedom
The sky's were silent that day...but my heart....it was screaming..and still is
We are America...We are a people who live in freedom...
Our fathers, our mothers, our sons and our daughters have given their lives for a simple thought

and THEY were real...I would pay attention

I want to remember that thought..

The sky's were silent

But my heart was screaming

And I will NEVER be the same

I won't just remember a thought...but many

Self-evident, created equal, endowed by their Creator, unalienable Rights,
life, pursuit of happiness, liberty or death, don't tread on me, WE shall overcome, spacious skies, united.

I will look back...I will remember...Silence will not happen again if I can help it

It's our turn to pass it down...

So they who are to come ...they....will...remember!

I Hate Sexism!..I hate mean..

2008-08-13T18:17:00.000-06:00

Tonight I want to blog about hope.

Most of you know I am a political junkie. I love the political battles that take place world wide.....

OH WAIT...I promised to blog about todays 13K ...10K.... So quickly........I messed up and re-calibrated my ipod in the middle of having to track a 10K...it was dumb and was just because I had not prepared properly. The lesson was an once of prevention=a pound of cure...or in my case 2.3 miles of cure....

But that pales in comparison to what I want to say tonight...and I could've gone on for like 2 paragraphs about the story of my run....but not tonight.

I have hope...for a historic White House...either the first African American or the first Women will be in the 1 or 2 position...Monumental...though if Gretch was Pres. we could have both ;).

In politics I track both sides...but tonight I am pretty mad at how they are attacking Palin.

Say what you want about her politics...her "lack" of experience (though anyone who knows anything about US politics knows she is more qualified as an executive than any of the other 3 candidates)...Go for it...that is how we "do" politics in America.

But I just read some blogs...I just read some accusations.....and I heard earlier some of the lamest things I have ever heard said...it was mean.

I heard a television host call her a "stewardess"
I read a blog accusing her of "faking" her pregnancy (true or not who the hell cares...she can have her reasons)
I saw another blog from a major television pundit saying that her disabled child was her fault.
I heard her opposition say a veiled attack towards her just because she is a women.

I want to scream this...so instead I am going to whisper it....

this is just mean....

and that saddens me....

Ever hear the word hypocrite...well it means actor...and that is what we are now seeing come clear...actors.

Liars!

I hate it...this subtle sexism of the moment.

I hate that my daughters (you know who you are) would ever have to hear these types of attacks.

I know you can take it...I know you will stand strong...

But I was taught to always stand with those under attack (whether or not they need me to) and that a person should never have to stand up for themselves if others are in ear shot.

Believe me...I know anyone CAN stand up for themselves...but in my own life I have a champion much bigger than myself...and I know that I will never stand alone before God or anyone else...and I want to model that for my friends and others.

Maybe the conclusion of this is simply...I hate it

sexism ...racism ...ageism...or other ism's...

What am I learning from this?...Stay on topic David...stay on the arguments that matter David....keep your eye on the ball David....stay off the personal and stay on the subject David...

and stand up...stand tall...and speak strongly against meanness.

Melissa..I am not sure who you were talking about...but I will stand with you.
Sarah Palin..I will stand with you.
McCain..I will stand with.
Obama..I will stand with you.

and yes...most of all....

Trig...I will stand with you too (or crawl)!

Make no mistake...this is evil...and together we must stand...

.........................together.

I have hope for this Great Nation...I have hope...

I have hope that while being justice centered..while arguing our points..while discussing differences we could do it nicely.

Tonight evil...meanness...and the lot...well I'm your new biggest nightmare...

I am now an "outed" enemy of yours.....

and I will drag you screaming into the light....

at any cost!

Sugar Blows Up

2008-07-20T11:08:00.001-06:00

I don't know if you know this or not...but sugar dust explodes.

I love sugar...it makes my life yummy. I remember as a "fitness guy" they would often teach us that refined sugar was bad for us. Ok, I'll --somewhat-- buy it, but man do I love the taste. It makes coffee happy, it makes doughnuts yummy, it makes yogurt bearable, but most of all it makes me smile.

One weird fact though...it's highly combustible when in dust form.

No seriously....

It happened earlier this year. A HUGE explosion at a sugar factory in Ga. Somehow (from what they can tell) sugar dust had accumulated on light fixtures, on conveyor's ...and no one noticed. The concentration got high enough that a small spark (even from static electricity) could set it off...and the BOOM.

People lost their lives.

Last night I went to an incredible engagement party. I truly love those people. They are incredible friends. But talk about amazing dynamics in one room. Crossover stories everywhere. People who have had relationships with each other..that didn't work out. People who had relatives there that were trying to "figure things out". The guy who had given advice about a person he did not know...the person he did not know who wanted to introduce themselves to the "advice" giver...me wanting to protect the person he did not know....the person he gave bad advice to...the beneficiary of that advice...phew...I could go on.

There was more...so much more. The girl who was stung by a yellow-jacket indoors as I was talking to her. The couple (who looked amazing). The ex-girlfriend of another guy..and the girl he has been showing interest in...all of this in the same small room.

Jeez...I could keep going on and on.

Oh yeah....and me. You see...I have had a "bucket list" well before there was a movie. One of my top goals...a Nobel Peace Prize (just a quick insight into my soul) (funny prize by the way...named after the guy who invented dynamite...lol). There are many more things I want to do...like light a match with a 22 cal. round from 50 yards away.....

but one of them...yes one of my list items was offered to me last night,,,,,,,and I had to decline.

It makes me laugh.

You see it was a "very" fine Cigar. Just so you know...in the past I would sometimes take a few puffs on a cigar or pipe when there is a very special occasion (like one time I smoked a pipe with a friend under a flying bald eagle in Alaska). I always link these to a memory.

This was no ordinary cigar though. It was one that I will probably not get another chance to have for another 38 years. But on the way to the party...before I had any idea that the offer would be made. I had mentioned to gretch how it had been years since I have had a "special event" puff. And since I am trying to get health insurance...I can honestly say I am not just a non-smoker...but I haven't even had a puff for a very long time. I couldn't believe I had just said that on the way there...it's not like I talk about that with her...well...ever.

Then my bucket list moment happens...and it was like the topper on the night...Faced with the moment...I had to say no.

At any other time...and any other place...I would have said yes...but I had to decline due to the circumstances of the moment. (((guess I need to stick around a bit longer to have another chance someday :)))).

Overall---What an incredible night.

Oh yeah the sugar part?

Well here's how it relates. Everyone in that room are great people. The make life wonderfully tasteful. They bring flavor to everyone they meet. But last night...there was a-lot of unsettled dust in that room. One spark...one self centered person could have caused the biggest explosion you could imagine. Instead of that though...it went awesome.

Why?

Because... though there could have been some legitimate confrontations...instead...everyone was nice.

They were just nice.

And they gave up their "rights" for the benefit of each other....no one died last night except to themselves.

I guess I was wrong when I saw the dust in the room...

Looks like "someone" has been cleaning the factory....

Looks like the dust was really not as thick as I had thought.

Looks like....well...these friends of mine....they have been refined...and are ready to make the world even sweeter.

Now that brings real hope to the world.

Today...me...

2008-07-16T21:31:00.001-06:00

I want something

What a stupefied ambiance this thought brings to me. Something that is outside of my reach...

residing in the shadows...

calling with familiarity I have never known but long to...really

This one is about me...and...

I want something...

(sullen whisper) I really do....

In the corner of my mind, a far away corner...I think about it...

I wonder about it sometimes...and lately... sometimes.... has become daily.

It used to be a non thought

well...

non issue...

But not anymore. I am here right now thinking about what to say, wondering if this lcd screen has any chance at entangling my real thoughts..my real emotions..my real ..real.

real... heart.

Contentment is such an art.

Not a decision, an art.

A sculpture..a statue...set in stone that needs color, that needs breath, that needs a soul to actually cause it to take effect on our lives. The target is set, and the goal is visible...contentment of where I am at right now..right here...truly an art....and i'm not an artist.

what do you want?

Love?

Acceptance?

Peace?

a candy bar?

a.....a.....

na....

not this time...

stop it David...stop

not this one...

I haven't learned enough to do anything but be thinking out loud and wondering how to capture myself,

those last words were just a divergence...a way to escape my vulnerability.

...it's me this time. I am the one...

I am the one I ran into.

I am the one...hopecasting....

I ran into myself on todays road___right there===sitting+++desiring~~~wanting.

I want something.

I'm OK if I don't get it....but I want it.

You may never know what it is...you may never guess where this desire wells from...but you may have talked about it with me. Reminded me...pulled my mind inside out...without even knowing it...I hide things better than you know..I cover myself sometimes..and hide

your there

Never knowing what I am really felling...never will you know...it's not for you..and it's ok...it's mine...believe me....it's cool...were cool!

~~~~~~~I want something...Keyword I

i want something...

So right now as I sit and type this. I am listening to classical music...the first song I heard tonight was...funny..... designed to remind me....really...specifically remind me. JL..M...T..I.K...code ...but I don't want to forget...and I dont want you to know..it hurts a bit too much...

I didn't set it up that way..I didn't pick the song, I just turned on my radio...I just >tuned in.

So I sit..I am not smiling...I almost am in tears...

I want something...

I want

I ..............am...........well.....

practicing my art..I'm going to practice my art....see it ...you see a smile...but closer....no closer still....see it....just a small touch of color...on the open part of the statues hand..look close..yeah right there...

I'm OK...just ok

I want something....something I may never have...

I'll just sit here...for a second...

Gretch just got home...I like her! She brings more color..she's an artist you know...she paints for me....she paints beautifully.

Mike died!

2008-06-26T20:27:00.004-06:00

A voice starts his fade...

But it won't be lost...

I want to capture it here.

I thought about him tonight while running ...I just had some coffee (Real SB...from other friends..from Seattle).

Ok, first off who was he? He was a friend of mine...brought into my life by another friend...His name was Mike. I used his name on purpose, he would have wanted it that way. Mike had a big problem with drugs, he would have wanted you to know that! He was a Christian (at least that's what he said), and he would have wanted you to know that. He died suddenly last week...and from what I can tell it was from the drugs...Damn dumb...

I let him down a-lot. I hate that about myself. I hate that I can't just "be there" when someone needs me. I hate that I have to prioritize my time carefully...and I sometimes miss...like this one....like Mike.

So what about him...well...he was a freakin mess. I remember when he went off the steroids, and looked normal for the first time. He felt skinny..but he smiled anyway. He was a MESS. His life was all over the place...his world was always spinning out of control...he had bad anger problems...but

but

Boy did he cry...he really cried...he really mourned. I was with him when he did it sooooo many times at the coffee shop.

He was exactly who he was...and he didn't hide it. He was authentic...screwed up to the hilt....but authentic.

That's his legacy you know.

A fearless close up view of the human soul..unabated... expressed by a life lived naked.

I always laugh at that word...naked...what a great word though. "They were naked and not ashamed"...if you think that has to do with clothing...I think your missing a-lot. I am often without clothes in my fallen state and "not ashamed" (arrogant dork!)...it wasn't their cloths...it was their souls. If you haven't figured it out I am talking about Adam/Eve....and...Mike

He would smile at you and tell you anything you wanted to know...even the crap.

I want to be naked too...I want to learn to live unafraid of what you think...I want to be me...God knows me (it isn't like I am fooling Him)...so why should I worry about you. I guess I am afraid of being lonely...afraid that everyone will leave me...funny though...I wonder how many would actually (and maybe for the first time) be attracted to me...funny thought.

One more thing about Mike...he called himself a Christian...a druggy Christian. I don't know who reads this, but I want to defend an aspect of him for just a moment.

The Christian life is like a marathon (I run them so I can speak a bit to this). Imagine a finish line...and someone starts one mile from it. When they come across it a few minutes later...they would look awesome...they probably would have been able to go the whole way without stopping..they would have barely broken a sweat.

Now 3 hour and 30 minutes later...here I come...I look like hell.

I smell bad, my body is screaming, I am hunched over, I look like I just fell down a flight of stairs...and I feel worse than I look.

The point is though I started 26.2 miles back. And I have pushed it through...through every pain..through every ache...I pushed it through.

So there we stand...me and the guy who started a mile away and me...

Who had the bigger accomplishment?

Who has really taken on the challenge?

duh...

This is the Christian life. On the issues, some start close to line where they can conquer their weaknesses...some start way further away.

Today...I ran a measly 4 miles....what made me think of him on my run though was this. 2 miles in..I stopped...I stopped...It was too much for me....so I just walked for a minute or so...2 little miles in....we of the "trade" call that a bonk.

I bonked.

Mike had come a million miles in his life...but last week...he just bonked...that simple...

Sometimes, people just bonk.....wait though....what did I just think of...

I thought of God..saying what my wife would say if I bonked in an actual marathon....what she would do if I bonked...

She would take me in her arms...console me..and remind me how far I really had gone (training and all)...

Ahhhhhh yes....a simple human with compassion..... how much more did God just hug Mike....

Way to go dude...way to go...good bye buddy! Your screwed up..messed up..naked...authentic... voice won't completely fade...no way...

you would have wanted it that way!

It holds in the middle

2008-03-13T20:41:00.002-06:00

She DRAMATICALLY changed my life. She added days of time back on to my time here on Earth. Days wasted on a futile act. Because she did two things.

She listened and learned
She passed on the knowledge and the love

Here's the story.

We were at dinner, a bunch of us and her. She overheard a conversation between my buddy Nick and I. She saw where we were weak and stepped in. She heard where we were wrong and risked correcting us. She told us the truth. Now please recognize, we thought we had the truth. We thought we were on solid ground. We thought we were soooo bright. Smarty-pants would be a good word for us. But we were wrong. Again.

Nick and I were talking about......
Eggs.
Yes Eggs.
The best food ever.
But those little white squiggly things.
I thought they were umbilical cords.
Gross.
I spent minutes of my life...always removing them...searching them down...with a slippery spoon.
FRUSTRATING

She said...no...they are just a rope of egg white.

Nick believed her...I forgot she said it at all.
Nick tracked it down.
Nick FB her and said she was right.

Holy Crap..it is just egg whites holding the yolk in the middle. As a matter of fact the more of it there is the fresher the eggs are.

NO WAY!

Yes way.

The math here....I probably have eggs on average 5-7 times a month.

I spend about 2 minutes (if you include getting the glass out and then the spoon and then cracking the egg and then fishing it out of the glass and then washing the glass).

so

2 Minutes * 7 times a month
14 minutes a month * 12 Months in a year
168 minutes a year * 34 years left on Earth (if I die at 72)
5712 minutes over the rest of my life / 60 minutes in a hour
95 hours/ 24 hours in a day
about 4 days.

She saved me 4 days of my life fishing out the squiggles and wasting my time.

JACKIE....THANK YOU!

quietly

Jackie....thanks!

He Drank The Whole Dang Thing!

2008-02-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

$20...what would I do?

I would...well not much.... I can make $20 by making a 5 second phone call.

But DUDE!

He drank the whole thing....for $20

He drank the whole syrup carafe at Village Inn
In one fell swoop he drank it.

That's like a 1000+ calorie moment

OH MY LORD!

He then turned pale...but he was OK

I almost got sick myself watching him....

Funny I kept moving further away from him thinking "I don't want to be hit when it comes back around"

Funnier...after it was said and done...I actually felt closer to him and had a new strange respect....

DUDE!

$20....maybe it was worth it....!

Risk for gain....

Thanks for reminding me..

This time it was $20

Next time (if I re-learned my lesson well)...maybe it's for someone's soul....

Hope Castaway

2008-02-07T07:01:00.000-07:00

Flowers.....check
Candy.......Check
Drive a hundred miles...CHEck
Get to the meeting place an hour and a half early....CHECk
Hoping for the end on loneliness.........CHECK!

Cute old guy. Asking about my "daughter" (my wife). Talking about his spunk. "I drive that Dodge Ram out there"(it was tricked out by the way), "I have a Miata too". "I go to Hawaii and snorkle every year", I do "horse cutting" (I still don't get what that really is). And on and on he went.

Then there was us. Four of us total. Me, my wife, one of our dearest surrogate daughters, and a sister of an old friend. We were already in deep relationship. We already could taste the love between us. We were completely fulfilled with each other.

Cute old guy. My new buddy. He had been around the Sun 73 times. And he was there for a blind date. He had met her on the internet (LDS singles). She was in her 50's, but he wasn't sure if she could keep up with his lifestyle. Nope not sure at all. But that wasn't the point...if memory serves correctly he "was so sick of being alone". A huge home in Wyoming, a million accomplishments, a big life...but not even close....not even close enough for fulfillment. It had to be another person.

So there he was. Alone...but waiting...just hoping...

We had to get going. I would have love to have met "her".

Then our surrogate daughter called...the "girl" never showed up.

She didn't come.

She left him alone.

She broke his little heart.

She may never know how much she missed out on.

A person who would love her desperately.
-------------

I have nothing big to say here this time.
No quip.
No opine.
No metaphor.

Just thinking to myself...I think I have adopted his hope.
I wish I could carry that burden for him.

Cute old guy!

Floating Down

2008-02-06T12:38:00.000-07:00

There we were at a Starbucks. Yep that glorious place where you pay big bucks for brown water and a chance at shifting your life. There we were having a bold conversation about living, and mostly about loving. Why would you ever describe it as BOLD? Why not heart felt, why not deep...why bold. Because boldness is where the heart changes...its where rivers that have been flowing since the persons first breath are turned.... the behemoth stands in the middle of the river and the course of a life is changed.
Risk. Nothing more than the willingness to lose the other person as a friend, and possibly lose any hope of ever being with them again. Not so scary if you remember that life is brief (I call BS..it is sooooo hard and scary).Life is brief though, no it really is. Ask my friends whom I have lost. Ask Craig, Ask Burke, Ask Dave. It's a speckle of dust floating down from a ceiling...nope shorter...it's more like that brief instant it catches your eye as light catches it...it's that brief. God I miss knowing that I could see those guys anytime. The ones I lost...but thank you God that I know the question really matters because I lost them.

So the question is asked

The BIG one...The BOLD one..the ONE

"are you lovable"? ...

stop...no really stop here....

are you?

or another question...are you loving them?

Please stop reading...please walk away...please please please stop and consider it...I went too fast in telling you..... so stop.

Don't pass it by....life is lame on the other side....so very lame

The fake side of life...the distraction to the question, the question we capitulate too is so limp. The other side is found in life being only about what you want and can't have...or what you want and how to get it.

Stop......freeze.....don't move for a second...please ...go back to the center question and think about it.

Can you see it....That's it in a nutshell...all of real life summed up in a statement.
Every song,
every quip,
every thought,
every directional turn that you take,
every tear,
every hope,
every moment wrapped up in the question of loved and loving.

So me...oh the tuff guy, me with my so called boldness...you sitting there with a real human soul staring back.
Me with my own questions ...me with my lack of understanding of my own thoughts...Me recognizing that I set it free...me knowing that the BIG question is loose and running wild....

There we were at Starbucks..the brown water nearing an end......and it happened...the question asked in a way that matched the moment. In a way that matched the person...and then

Then the hands already shaky...moved
Then the eyes, so tuff...centered
Then the smile...dissipated
Then the tears...welled up....in us both

They knew their answer...and they telegraphed it to me.....and me...me...me with all of my insecurities...me desperately wanting them to know they were wrong...but I can't help this one...it's bigger than me. Should I have avoided it?

I can't fix it...

should I have left it un-asked...

dang it..I can't

I get in my car to head back to life, hating and second thinking the question. Why did I go there..why....why...why...why...why.

Then I blink again.... It has to be asked.

Why ..c'mon don't you see it?

It's the dust speckle...

isn't it weird....once you see it ---you --HAVE-- to watch it to the end. You ---just---care.

The stare

2007-12-28T14:56:00.000-07:00

Preaching, singing the words were really good the music was acceptable and the moment was divulging itself as fully apropos. Some of the words threw my course in life dramatically, but the stare, yes the small squint of the eyes, that is what menaces my mind. Here’s the set-up. I went to hear some friends speak...dang they were good. Poignant and courageous would be an understatement. Then others stood to speak...sing...perform..that was predictable...a subway meatball sandwich comes to mind. The couple sat in front of me, the ones who were speaking. There kids transferring from position to position...our pew..their pew..our pew...their pew...stickers on the face...bioanicle in hand...get out of my way and give me your toys on their minds. But then...ha...the couple didn’t even see it, how could they? They were busy doing what adults do in these situations. Grabbing the kids, listening politely, thinking about the days business...but then. The dad gently caressed his brides hair. I saw it, and it endeared me, the middle child saw it too and he froze. He whom takes all things in accordance to his own worldview froze. He froze. He froze and I saw him do it. Then his eyes focused on the scene, and they slightly squinted. I live for this type of event. His entire life, the life of scattered needs and fleeting desires....focused like a pin point on his mom and dad...loving each other. Then I saw it...ever so slight but it was there...a slight upturning at the corners of his mouth. A whisper of a smile. He sat there for only a few seconds, and then went to join them and be close to them too.
This is what I took away...eyes are watching you, and Love is contagious....even when no one knows it....no too damn trite..

I took away that it matters...it all matters! More than you will ever know...to the couple ...to the boy..to me....

Wait...

That’s it...

The couple loved each other...The child was touched by that...I was touched by him...what did I do in that moment...????? Who saw me?????How did they react....
and is the ripple still pulsating out there somewhere...

thump...
thump...
thump...

Rock On.

What a holiday

2007-12-28T08:01:00.001-07:00

This was a great holiday season for my wife and I. It was funny, with everything being so hectic, the crowds, the performances, the visits from guests, there was still a deep sense of joy and peace that was accompanying the lot. The highlight had to be the most unexpected thing. Sitting down with two friends and enjoying a cup of warm coffee and just talking. Wow, I personally received gifts that cost hundreds of dollars, I got new stuff that will fill the empty spaces (what’s left) in my home...but the time spent with them..that can have no value placed on it (I can’t say it was priceless because I think that may be trademarked...ooops just did).

Now was it because our conversation was so great....nope. Was it because we all became so much more enlightened...nope. Was it because we were finally catching up...nope..nope...nope. It was because there were four people sitting down together and being wholly authentic (something I haven’t done in a group setting in quite a while). The reason it was so impacting was that (in this day and age) there is such a draw to hide anything authentic about ourselves so that others will accept us and everything will be OK.
I HATE OK!

I am learning over and over that being in the dark does not make things OK, it makes things completely wrong and we lose the closest sense of connection there can possibly be (and this week proved that again to me). During our conversation we had (nice) conflict...we had laughter...we had “big reveals” ...and we made it through it all closer as friends and not further apart. I think each of us gave a little to the conversation and we each took more and more steps together as we gained trust.... man, I loved it and I am so excited to see where it takes our friendships.

I end this entry with one thing, the reason why I think it was so big (this conversation). I think this is how we were really designed to be.

Rock On!

Journal Launch and Life Changer B-day 38

2007-12-22T08:03:00.000-07:00

Today I did it, I broke the sebatical. No more lack of reading, it is time to add some polish to my armory and make sure that it is no longer being made weaker from the passage of time and the lack of outside influences.

I am starting where I left off, with a book I love. Why, because it changed my life last time and spurred me on to true meditation on the God's words (which is why I started the sebatical in the first place)...why this time, well...because I now want it not for my own puffiness, but to enable me to love better.. Thanks JI... thanks for the reminder of why I want this, thanks Gretch for spurring me to do it on my birthday, and thanks to all of you.

Hopecasting.com is now launched and active and in some way you are a part of it.